🌿Family Growing Pains, Part 2
“Second to cancer, the worst thing a human being can suffer mentally is infertility.” ~Charlie Kirk
This is where everything started to feel real.
Up until this point, I was exhausted trying to understand my body.
Trying to track it.
Trying to work with it.
Trying to make sense of why things weren’t happening.
But walking into that first IVF appointment… Our Last Chance.
It started with bloodwork. A lot of it. Vial after vial.
And I remember sitting there, arm out, not watching them take what they needed—
I just wanted to conceive a baby. That was it. So, I let it happen.
And waited for whatever came next.
The genetic testing.
That’s when I found out I had two genes for non-classic adrenal hyperplasia.
And honestly… I just felt annoyed at this point. Every time I went in, they kept finding things “wrong with me”.
Time after time, septate, PCOS, non classic adrenal hyperplasia.
It did explain why I had certain challenges in my teenage woman years… always had high testosterone, chin hair, the hunger.
Now there was WAS an explanation.
They explained that my body was missing an enzyme needed to properly convert testosterone into estrogen.
Ok. So what does this mean? It means every single offspring would carry this gene. Not deadly, but frustrating.
What does this mean? It means I wasnt your average PCOS girl who was affected by edible hormones and chemicals.
Without a genetic test, knowing what I know now, I would tell other women who have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), to ask their physician to test for hydroxyprogesterone and androstenedione as those are positive markers found with this nonclassic adrenal hyperplasia, and it should be handled a completely different way. Everyone I saw treated me exactly the same – overactive ovaries and a cold uterus.
What does this mean? It also meant if I was carrying a girl embryo, I would have to be on a low dose Prednisone during pregnancy, so too many male hormones wouldn’t be circulating while her reproductive system was forming.
The focus of treatment is a low dose prednisone. The prednisone, a steroid, is to just reduce the amount of these hormones within the bloodstream. It would not make me more fertile and had no other benefits.
In fact, long term, possibly forever, prednisone usage causes osteoporosis to set in quicker.
Then we looked at my husband’s results. He didn’t carry what I had, but he was a carrier for other things—cystic fibrosis, Cohen’s disease, Gaucher’s.
I got a bachelors in biology, and I knew the punnet square. I mastered the punnet square. If I had carried any of those genes, there would be a 25% chance of having a child with those diseases. I studied the pathogenesis of these diseases in my studies and understood what that may have meant. Hypothetical scenarios, by the way. And that’s where the weight of it really landed.
Just for a moment, thinking of what that decision would look like if that were the case. If I carried any of those…that wouldn’t just be information. That would be a decision. A real one. Something that would test everything—your values, your beliefs, your spirituality.
And I remember feeling relieved that I wasn’t put in that position.
Because that’s a different kind of weight. We dodged that BULLET!
This was GOOD NEWS!
*What I was left with was this: I had a condition, that wasn’t life-threatening.
When it came to creating embryos… no shared mutations, no decisions waiting on the other side. We were safe, A sigh of relief.
The Hysterosalpingogram.
I had never even heard of it before. The doctor injects a dye (vaginally) and fills the uterine cavity to to see if the uterine cavity and fallopian are open.
You’re tummy up, legs open, speculum, catheter into the cervix, dye filling. Then they remove the spec and cath. And they take an X ray.
Trying to stay calm while everything is physically uncomfortable and emotionally nervewracking.
I remember the pressure. The cramping. That uncomfortable, unfamiliar feeling.
And I remember staying there… why?
because that’s what you do when you want to have a baby.
The Findings: After that, they saw A T-shaped uterus… You can imagine my next though.
Then came more testing, they performed a saline-infused ultrasound. That’s when they insert a saline solution with a catheter into your uterus.
The saline fluid would inflate the uterus to expand so they can figure out what to do next.
That test showed that the wall that made my uterus look like a T, was dead tissue. It needed to be removed to improve the chances of pregnancy with embryo transfer.
Something I didn’t know was there.
Something that would interfere with implantation.Something that had to be removed…before anything could move forward.
And just like that—there was another step. A Surgery. Under anesthesia.
Before I even had the chance to try.
That’s when it really hit me. This wasn’t simple.
This wasn’t quick. And this wasn’t guaranteed.
I found Craniosacral in 2018. Another story for another blog. It was the one place I wasn’t being tested, measured, or evaluated.
My CranioSacral therapist didn’t ask for numbers. He didn’t need results. He just held space for me, so I can process what I have been through up to this point. Interesting… you think… that I chose a man for this type of support. The truth is ANY “really good craniosacral therapist”, no matter the gender, should be able to support you the way you need to be supported. I chose an ADVANCED therapist who’s been practicing for over 30 years… because that’s what I needed. I needed that trust that someone else was meeting me at the same level I am at.
My right median cubital vein was constantly bruised from being stabbed with needles. Who cares? My craniosacral therapist did!
Sometimes, the ultrasound tech was a little aggressive with the wand. Some techs will allow you to guide the wand, which is nice when they do. It’s not a very comfortable feeling when it’s done without “your” guidance. I should have spoken up. I’m telling my fellow women, “Have the ultrasound tech hand the wand to you and then you guide it. Put yourself back in control”... even if it’s just for this one moment. Who cares? I DO! And that’s one of the most powerful tools craniosacral therapy gave me.
Craniosacral Visionary: One of the most powerful aspects of craniosacral therapy is to be able to connect with any part of your body
and speak on its behalf. In one of my sessions, I had a visualization of me and my cervix just chilling on a lazy river. We were just floating and enjoying the current and also the just that sun’s warmth (not the same as a South Florida HEAT!… a warmth.). After having that visualization, I would use them for these visits. I would go on the table, spread the eagle, and then go to that dream moment of me and my cervix just riding the lazy river wave. It helped me relax. This sounds a LOT like hypnosis, RIGHT?!
(This is what got my mind thinking about pursuing hypnotherapy to add to my skillset, because I saw that when I would work on my patients, and also me having these deep experiences, it dawned on me that ALL my patients are in a state of hypnosis while I am working on them, and that I can really be maximizing their benefits from treatment if I knew how to leverage this.)
Part 3: The Contracts
In part 3 we talk about the Contracts prior to egg retrieval. In order to move forward with the septate surgery, we needed some viable embryos. We will talk about the contracts. The deception I felt. Talk about some of the limiting beliefs I created and affirmations I spoke, decisions I had made that changed the way I perceived life.
