🌿 Family Growing Pains, Part One
The Years Before IVF
There is a version of this story that sounds simple.
My husband and I got married (2014)
We wanted a family.
We tried.
It didn’t happen.
But living it was nothing like that.
It was years…
Years of hoping.
Years of tracking.
Years of watching everyone else be successful while my life felt frozen in time.
A Body That Didn’t Follow the Rules
I never had a period.
And for a long time, people framed that as lucky.
“No cramps.”
“No inconvenience.”
“No monthly disruption.”
And yes… I saved money on pads and tampons.
But that “blessing” came with something no one talked about.
Because a cycle isn’t just about a period.
It’s about rhythm.
It’s about signaling.
It’s about knowing your body is moving through the phases it’s meant to.
And I didn’t have that.
I didn’t have a rhythm to follow.
I didn’t have a pattern to trust.
I didn’t have the reassurance that my body was doing what it was designed to do.
So while it may have looked easier from the outside…on the inside, it felt like I was missing something essential.
And that disconnect is something I slowly began to recognize— especially in the moments where I allowed myself to slow down…
to listen…and be with my body instead of trying to force it.
A Reproductive System Without a Rhythm
THIS point of my life, where my dream was always to have a family as big as my own (one of seven siblings)… THIS alone created so much frustration.
When people talk about trying to get pregnant, it often sounds straightforward.
Track your cycle.
Time everything right.
Relax. Be patient.
But what if you don’t have a cycle to track?
What if your body doesn’t give you the signals everyone says to look for?
What if every month feels like guessing?
That was my reality.
This wasn’t a “just relax and it will happen” situation.
That’s something I wish more people understood, because when you’re in something this intimate, this complex, this layered…
advice can feel overwhelming, ESPECIALLY when it comes from people who don’t fully understand your body, your diagnosis, or your experience.
What helps more than anything…is presence.
Someone who listens.
Someone who holds space.
Someone who doesn’t try to fix it or simplify it.
For me, that person was my CranioSacral Therapist. He didn’t try to give me answers. He didn’t rush me. He met me exactly where I was—and allowed my body to be exactly as it was…And that kind of support gave me my first experience of what it felt like to not be “problem-solving” my body—but simply being in it.
Four Years of Trying
After we got married, we tried for four years.
Not casually.
Not passively.
We were active and intentional.
I used a glass mercury thermometer—because my mom, who’s a doctor, always said those never lied.
Every morning, same routine. Same hope.
Looking for some kind of pattern…
Looking for that “fertility window”…
Looking for that ovulation moment!
When that didn’t give me clarity, I moved on to the OvuSense device.
And that was a whole different level of commitment.
OvuSense is a vaginal temperature tracking device that I inserted inside my vagina at night and slept with. It continuously records your core body temperature while you sleep and then charts it over time—giving you a more complete picture than a single morning reading.
In my professional and clinical experience, It is more accurate—because it captures the average of your body’s internal temperature fluctuations throughout the night.
In reality… The device looked like a gigantic sperm.
Imagine sleeping with a temperature tracker inside of you. Night after night.
And then there were the moments no one talks about—like going to the bathroom and it falling into the toilet…and having to fish it out. Embarrassing.
These moments stayed with me…because this wasn’t just data collection.
This was my life, this was my experience, And the truth is…
I didn’t want any of that.
I didn’t want to become someone constantly tracking, measuring, analyzing.
All I wanted…
was to conceive a baby.
The Weight of Not Knowing
There is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from trying so hard without a clear path.
This lives in your body.
Not just in your thoughts.
It’s confusion of life purpose. As a woman born with TWO ovaries and a fully functional uterus, this was my biological right!
A quiet, constant questioning: The WHY ME moments.
Am I missing something?
Did I do something wrong? Am I not worthy?
Is my life going to be kidless and joyless as I broke down and cried after every pregnancy announcement I heard.
And what I began to understand—through the stillness I experienced in my CranioSacral sessions—was that my body wasn’t just experiencing this physically, I was holding onto this mentally, emotionally and spiritually…
The pressure.
The uncertainty.
The emotional weight of trying for so long.
Trying to Make My Body Respond & The Chiropractic Perspective I couldn’t ignore.
Then came three rounds of Clomid. Three attempts to create a cycle my body wasn’t naturally giving me.
And for the first time…something happened, I actually had a cycle.
A real one, and there was a part of me that felt hopeful in a different way—like maybe my body just needed a little push. Like maybe this was the missing piece.
HOWEVER, After the third round of trying and failing—we scheduled our first IVF consult.
I was now placing my body into a system that would now attempt to manipulate it with more medications, more hormones, more interventions….trying to stimulate, control, and direct a body that may already be overwhelmed.
Because when you want a baby…
WE WII try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING… including inserting a tampon filled with essential oils.
We don’t hesitate.
WE don’t question as much as you normally would.
WE move forward with hope leading the way.
The Reality I Wish I Had Been Given
By then, I was 38.
I struggled with PCOS. I found out I had a rare diagnosis – adrenal hyperplasia – causing it….And my husband was also dealing with issues involving sperm quantity and quality.
Looking back, what I wish I would have known is this:
I was not walking into that consult with the odds they were presenting. I was walking in with a very different reality. We were told there was an 80% success rate. And when we were sitting there—hopeful, vulnerable, wanting to believe—we don’t question it the way we should. We hold onto it.
But after the fact, I “found” the CDC IVF Success Estimator.
I saw something very different. That tool is based on real data—real women, real outcomes.
And for someone in my category—
Again: 38 years old, PCOS, adrenal hyperplasia, plus male factor infertility—
…the numbers were not anywhere near what I had been told.
And I’m not saying I wouldn’t have still done it.
I probably would have.
What I’m saying is…
I wish I had known the truth.
Because the truth wouldn’t have taken away my hope—it would have grounded it.
It would have helped me prepare differently. emotionally. mentally and physically.
It would have allowed me to walk into that process with realistic expectations…instead of holding onto numbers that didn’t fully reflect my situation.
Because when you’re in that space, numbers don’t feel like statistics. They feel like promises.
What I Also Came to Understand
Another thing I didn’t realize at the time is that success rates are not dramatically different from one clinic to another. They are all working with the same biology. The same realities. Stats are Stats!
And so, my heartfelt message to women, and couples, who are struggling with infertility and opting for IVF, pick a doctor who cares about you. They all have the same gadgets, they all the same skillset, but not ALL of them have compassion or empathy. Thats what you want. You want a doctor who does more than just stick it in.
Closing Reflection
This was the beginning of my family growing pains.Not just physically, but emotionally…and somatically.
Part Two is where everything becomes more physical.
More invasive. More intense. A belief system that I wound up creating that needed to be undone.
As we move forward, on a deeper level, I will share my insights and lessons I learned which helped me find my earthly purpose and find fulfillment in this life.
